Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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