Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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