Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
