Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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