Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
