Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
