Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
