My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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