happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
