I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
