I accidentally had phone sex last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
