You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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