yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
