That's intense
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
