Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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