did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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