when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
