I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
