When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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