I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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