When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
