Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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