Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
