Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
