she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
