Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
