omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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