I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
