Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to calm my uterus...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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