If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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