Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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