just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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