community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
