We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I see more hoeing in ur future
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