My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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