I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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