where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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