3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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