my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
