I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
