I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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