what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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