I think I won the penis lottery.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
