So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
