Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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