There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
