you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh god it's open bar.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
