five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
