There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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