he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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