I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
