Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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