I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
