I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
