my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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