my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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