She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
