I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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