Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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