I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
