dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
