I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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