yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
