I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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